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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Update // Mental health

I feel happy and proud of myself for surviving the past few years and some of the changes I have made. I have put a lot of energy into working on creative endeavours and making my home a lot more homely. I tidied my porch and turned it into a very nice garden area to tend to a little each day and… I made friends with the new neighbours and the old ones who I never spoke to too. More on that later.

In hindsight, many years later, I’m upset for my behaviour over many years. Mental illness is not really an excuse but it it’s certainly a very large contributing factor and wasn’t ever really sure how to handle it or just ran and hid from it, similar to what I still do today although with a lot more life experience to live with it.

Since I lived here for 3 and a half years, I have been completely socially isolated but like I said I have been trying to just.. make positive changes within my means. I took a long look at my issues and tried to work out how I can live within them. I became a lot more aware of the intricacies of my mental illness once I was away from all outside influence, I had time to come to terms with my triggers and what needs addressing if I ever hope to reintegrate into society (it’s been pretty much a full decade since I last lived something resembling a normal life with normal social relationships.) My illness has persisted long enough that it has unfortunately evolved into some more serious mental issues, the emotional dysregulation never fully went away but I have learned to avoid my triggers, sadly half my triggers happen to just be social interaction. I’ve been able to categorically narrow down some of my main symptoms to paranoia verging on delusion persistent and distressing, complete lack of emotional control in the presence of specific social triggers, and avoidance/fear of addressing anything because of probable complex emotional trauma. Potentially still a personality disorder undiagnosed too, I was having treatment many years ago regarding this but stopped attending before I was at an age to get a formal diagnosis.

So some good and some bad, have managed to maintain stability for the past few years in terms of my living situations, but socially absolutely not. If I ever hope to change that I need serious therapy and medication probably too. After interacting with my neighbours I have lately been having issues with my emotions and paranoia and self loathing that I was able to quell for quite some time with only small relapses.

I think my mental state is damaged enough that I may never fully recover, I live daily with a lot of the fears and emotions that started when I was a teenager and I used to fill this blog with several years ago. I am maybe going to visit the doctor soon just to see if I can find some solution to live more comfortably, I am 27 years old now and I very much don’t like and am scared of slipping back into the impulsive mindset that ruled my teens. I hope if I can go to them with this level of honesty maybe they can.. do something.. because right now I am living very frightened and emotional most days, really really terrified of other humans. It’s hard to describe the cloud that comes over.

I still daily think about ending my life but I’m at a point where I know the consequences of impulsive gestures etc etc, and I am plagued by vivid visions of my cats in a shelter, unable to be adopted because they are bonded and have previous health issues. I partly feel extremely trapped, but in some other ways thinking about stuff and coming to terms with it has let me let go of a decent amount of guilt and find productive ways to get through the day and survive.

My life is unfortunately a failure, but I will survive and try to make something nice before I can’t anymore. If u read this far then I rly hope your life is better than 10 years ago and that you have someone to speak to when you need it.

I’m a person with a penis who goes by male pronouns in every day life and I have long hair and love wearing dresses and skirts and I also don’t consider that “crossdressing”. I kind of wish my body looked different in some ways, but in some ways I think it could be a lot worse too.

That’s how I identify :’)

Dustpanda - Stage 2

So I haven’t given up on music since I last updated u guys and said I was going to try. I’m basically putting my heart and soul into this and I’m hoping and praying and dreaming that by the end of this year I’ll be consistent enough to get some gigs making music for some indie game, rpg or visual novel.

If you guys remember what I was posting pretty constantly for almost a decade, or the kinds of stuff I used to post back in 2012 era, then you’ll probs be pretty surprised because nothing I’ve ever done has given the impression of success or dedication like this, at least that’s how I feel from my own perspective. Really quite proud in a way that I could never genuinely feel before. If I can do this then any of you can and I have big faith in u all.

Please pls pls pls I hope you enjoy

Source: Bandcamp
my music